To Make A Difference

To make a difference, you have to do something different. To effectively do something different, you have to be different.

Some work hard to decide how they’ll make a difference in the world. Some spend years on “discovering themselves”. Both are exercises in developing an identity from where change can spring.

Gandhi touches the truth:

If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.

Integrity VS Ritual

In the west, integrity is elevated unto a piedestal. How well you present a cohesive whole personality is seen as a measure of worth.

There are a whole host of definitions of integrity. Here are three.

The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles that you refuse to change.
Cambridge Dictionary

The state of being whole and undivided
Some random Google knowledge-graph entry

Never badmouthing anyone, even when doing so would have no negative consequences to you. Treating everyone with respect. Your actions, beliefs and words are aligned.
A trusted mentor

Integrity is oft-perceived as synonymous with consistency. Always presenting the same front to the world. Not “turning your colours”.

This is so ingrained in our culture that it is seen as a sign of dishonesty and lacking integrity when people are willing to change their mind based on new information. However, that’s a talk for another post.

This post suggests that there is another way to be your “self”. A way that doesn’t require uniform and unyielding consistency, but instead requires a malleable approach to the situations life throws at you. A way I’ll refer to as ritual.

What if, instead of thinking about maintaining a personal brand of consistency, your main concern in any situation was how to be most authentically present with your whole being?

With the method of situational rituals, this level of engagement with life is readily accessible.

The advantage of ritual behaviour is the space it creates to be present, instead of curated. Instead of presenting a personal brand, you can engage with whatever parts of yourself are best suited for the current ritual.

Ironically, the less you focus on being you, the more authentically you engage with your surroundings; the more you are truly yourself!

Therapy is a great example of how ritual behaviour can break with integrity for the better. Nothing actually changes during a therapy session, except for the explicit expectation that one party questions, listens, and seeks to understand, and the other party seeks to express themselves and be understood.

Reaching out and seeking to be deeply understood, something that is ordinarily terrifying for most people – myself included, is made accessible via the ritual. But it requires radically different behaviour from the norm, and thereby contrasts against integrity as being “whole”.

Similar effects apply across the breadth of human communication.

I could communicate the same way to colleagues, friends, my family, and my girlfriend. Presenting a unified whole, a model of integrity.

However, contexts are different. Discourse is different. And a different representation of my being is required to engage fully with the situation. By embracing the ritual, I can let specific pieces of my personality shine, and be more present.

Express Yourself Physically

Why does it matter how you look? In many senses, it doesn’t matter.

It certainly doesn’t change your innate value as a person.

It does change the way you can engage with your surrounds, much like Rituals

When I go to the gym, there’s a certain expectation set for how I’ll be dressed and how I’ll act. It’s not explicit, but it’s definitely there. Since it’s a crossfit gym, this further narrows the expectation. I can’t define clearly what the expectation is, but I’m sure you recognise that different contexts set different expectations.

Going to a metal concert, you’ll likely wear something at least slightly different to what you wear at the office.

Why is that?

To me, it’s about expressing the right side of myself, at the right time, to experience and engage fully with life. Wearing Reebok Nano’s and Under Armour shorts at my gym means I feel more connected to my surroundings and my peers. On the reverse, it also makes acceptance much easier for those surroundings and peers – because I fit an expectation, and that familiarity puts people at ease. In the gym, this connection to my context allows me to focus my energy elsewhere – on moving heavy things, laughing with my friends, and having fun.

In a repeating scenario with the same social circle, such as at the gym, it would likely be possible, with some success, to ignore convention entirely and aim to stick out. In fact, I’m certain that’s a standard practice for those who teach personal branding. In the name of “being yourself”, no less.

I believe this misses something critical. The way I look is not who I am. So looking difference won’t make me “be myself”. How could it, when I’m not = how I look?

Instead, I view appearance as a tool for connecting. A way to traverse the social boundaries that prevent me from truly expressing myself.

It’s about context.

And, once that basic foundation is mastered, it becomes about letting yourself shine through!

A Better Man

Deciding to be your own is the first step towards getting better. It’s a decision to take responsibility for who you are; implicitly also accepting that you can exert some measure of control over that identity.

Deciding to be your own is what happens right before you decide you want to learn how to windsurf, play guitar, or travel around the world.

Deciding not to be like everyone else. To be you. To reject the average.

Be your own because it’ll make you better. Be your own because it’ll help another person take that step.

It’s a decision that unlocks every aspect of lifestyle design, growth mindset, and your capacity to be a force for good in the world.

It starts with a simple question. Who are you? It never ends. And that’s beautiful.

Vulnerable

I believe that the man who is truly his own is vulnerable. It takes courage to be open – precisely because openness creates vulnerability.

Think about something most men go through (and are notoriously terrible at dealing with) – communicating to a potential romantic partner that they like them. Like, like-like. Why is that scary? Why does it make my hands shake and my hair stand on end? Because for a short while, I’ve shown another person something that was secret. Something about who I am. And they might not like it.

The same aversion to vulnerability is what guides our bent approach to conformity. Dress, talk and think like everyone else, and you’re safe.

But it’s those people who dare to be vulnerable. Those who have the courage to be different. Those who are their own. They’re the ones that move us. Sometimes on a personal level, when a loved one shares a burden. Sometimes on a public level, when yet another Steve Jobs biography is published. But always the vulnerability precedes the authentic display of self.

Don’t Care What Anyone Thinks

I was taught by my father not to care what anyone thinks about me. For a long time, I got it wrong.

I thought it meant that others opinions weren’t worth my time or consideration. I thought it meant not to consider other people’s feelings.

Possibly worst of all, I thought it meant I wasn’t supposed to feel anything when my peers poked fun at me, and that it meant I shouldn’t adjust my behaviour to build and improve relationships.

My father was trying to set in motion the first steps towards me becoming my own man. To my young mind, that was far from clear. It took me 15 more years to work out the nuances of that simple sentence.

Here’s how I would phrase it today: A man who is his own will be met with resistance. He will be demanded to conform, to regress to the mediocre mean. He must stand fast, and not let his resolve be weakened by those others who would see the world stagnate.

Or, as a dangerous shorthand version, now that I finally get it: Don’t care what anyone else thinks of you.

It took over a decade of wasted time, broken relationships, and blunted emotional experiences to see that:

  • Others’ opinions are definitely worth my time, in fact I stand to learn from every encounter with another human being.
  • Others’ feelings should be considered – they motivate action, and they are the basis for good relationships.
  • It’s OK to feel it inside when you get negative reactions – as long as you choose carefully how you react yourself to the feeling you have.
  • Empathy with others is the bedrock for getting things done and making change.

A Workplace Imperative

At my workplace, we have a feedback system that is instant, honest, and continuous.

This means that we’re all trying to help each other become better humans, team members, and colleagues all the time. Every day is a chance to help someone get better, and to ask someone else to help me improve.

This requires authenticity. It requires engaging in work without politicking. It requires that I come to work every day and show only my complete, honest, self. That I be my own man.

If I can do that, I can receive feedback that can make me grow as a person.

In receiving that feedback, it’s equally important that I don’t put up a facade. That I stay transparent, vulnerable. It is this incredible, invigorating mix of authenticity, vulnerability, and openness, that let’s me leave each work day having learned something new, and having received help from my amazing colleagues to get just 1% better each day.

In describing the reverse situation, it’s clear why being myself is imperative. If I put up a facade, or show a persona, that is what my colleagues would critique. I’d hone the perfect persona to please each colleague, live a dual or fragmented existence, and create intense mental strain through sheer cognitive dissonance. All the while not letting anybody help me develop my real self.

Shine Through!

Nothing about who I am is fixed, or unchanging. It’s in constant flow, as I grow as a human. I believe, even given Rituals and Physical Expression, that this river of change is beautiful, and deserves to shine through.

This requires honesty. It requires vulnerability. Because shining through, even in the details, the small things, means opening up. Opening myself up to love, respect, understanding and compassion from my colleagues and friends, but also to the inverse. I find it frightening, and I don’t do it as much as I want to. It’s easier to just wear black and talk straight.

There’s more zest to life, though, when I dare. When I wear my bright blue space-sneakers, or my crocodile belt, or a bracelet that reminds me to seize the day. They’re not just conversation starters, they’re something that let’s me shine through. They’re a way, even when engaged in ritual, that I stay in touch with what’s inside. At least for now. Until it shifts again.

This doesn’t just apply to looks. It applies to how I interface with other people. How much of the way I talk, think and communicate, is a product of how my peers do? Far too much. How social interaction kills divergent thought is a reflection for another time though.

It requires discipline and constant effort to shine through in thought and communication – because my mirror neurons are firing like crazy, trying to get me to line up with my closest peers. To shine through, I have to take time, consider what motivates my responses, and reflect on what change I’m trying to make – what new thing I can bring to the table.

The phrasing is important, when talking about shining through. It’s not a finishing touch. It’s not a layer of awesome. It’s more like poking a few deep holes into my core, and letting people see through them. It’s a way for me to leave a mark, make change, and be my own man. It’s a constant journey – digging ever deeper, shining ever brighter, as that river of change surges and sweeps past below.